We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
