I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
