saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
