birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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