I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
