At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
