Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
