i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize