and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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