I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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