so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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