she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
