I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
