I should be sponsored by Trojan
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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