Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
