Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
