she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
