You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
