So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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