Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
