It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
