Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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