Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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