Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
