Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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