i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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