You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
