I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
