Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
True college students do jello shots in the library
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
