I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
