8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
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