he wants to bone in the snuggie
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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