So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
23 People Confess The Trashiest Thing They’ve Seen In Person
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
19 Transgender People Reveal The First Sign That They Were Trans
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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