I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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