its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heâ€™s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Of course heâ€™s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.