she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
