I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
