don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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