hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
a search helicopter?!
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
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High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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