I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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