onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
