come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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