No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
