There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
