I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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