omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
