My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
