she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
