dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
