I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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