just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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