btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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