i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
