I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
