Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
