Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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