piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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