i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
