Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He felt like a one man threesome
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
